Inner Child/ Confidence/Why This Matters
Your past matters. It doesn’t have power over you (unless you let it) BUT it matters. Research shows that our relationship with our parents affects us until the end of our lifespan. Although the past is over, it is not completely over. According to Dialogical Theory and Internal Family Systems, every person is made up of different selves, parts and voices which each have a story to tell. The younger you still exists. We are not made up of just one self, we are a body of selves. We are not one dimensional. We are multilayered and complex beings. I too have multiple parts inside of me. This is not to scare you. The multiple selves/ parts in us carry memories and experiences from our past. Feelings too. They also carry voices from caregivers or people who were important to us, whether the voice is positive or negative. A lot of adults do not like to accept the truth that their early relationships matter. Family is where we start building a “self” and conceptualizing life. I believe we actually start developing in the womb, even at conception (cue Ginuwine music ha). The events surrounding our introduction to the world weave a narrative which lives in us until we decide to change it. For example, if we were planned or not, if our parents were in a happy, secure, loving relationship or if it was highly stressful, abusive or distant. These factors all play a role in the stories we tell ourselves about our worthiness, self-esteem, emotions, relationships and more.
Confidence issues we may be struggling with today likely stem from a young part in us or what is called our “inner child” who is still carrying pain from specific moments in our lives. Insecure relationships with parents where we received excessive negative feedback about ourselves, felt disconnected from parents or were doubted more than believed in for example can foster insecurity, poor self-esteem and self-doubt, even during childhood. Losing a parent, being bullied, sibling rivalries and even issues with friends can hamper our self-esteem and confidence in adulthood. Since children mostly live in their feelings and are unable to express themselves like adults, it is often not until we are older that we can put words to the “low confidence” “imposter syndrome” and/or self-doubt” plaguing our work performance, romantic relationships or other areas in our lives.
There is hope, however. The inner child in us can receive healing. We can help it believe in itself, learn to appreciate itself and be kind to itself. In turn, we will feel better because the young part of us that was once frozen in the past will feel relief, henceforth giving us a new story about ourselves in the present. Indeed, we all want to believe in ourselves, appreciate ourselves and be kind to ourselves. Inner child work can be done in therapy, through guided imagery, mental imagery, meditation and self-compassion exercises. I dialogue with my inner children all the time. Ignoring them when they are upset, hurt, feeling rejected or abandoned further perpetuates their pain. Why not learn to be there for ourselves and be the parent we never had from ourselves to ourselves. My relationship with my higher power also helps me reparent the younger parts of me that still feel pain from the past. As long as I see myself the way my creator sees me, talk to myself more positively and reflect on the things that build my confidence, I’m able to do well. This is my hope for my clients and humanity.
*If you hear voices coming from outside of you, feel they have control over you and/or are commanding you to do dangerous things a visit a licensed therapist or psychiatrist.
Journal prompt:
1) Think of a part in you that is still in pain, having attitude issues or struggling emotionally. How old does this part of you feel? When does it get triggered? What does it want?
2) What does this part of you need?
3) How can you start to show it compassion and understand it better?
“The cry we hear from deep in our hearts, comes from the wounded child within. Healing this inner child’s pain is the key to transforming anger, sadness and fear”.
Thich Nhat Hanh
